


Leaves are falling and so am i

by bloodycheeze



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Fluff and Angst, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Mentioned Stray Kids Ensemble, Mutual Pining, Near Death Experiences, Pining, Unrequited Love, honestly I don't know how to tag, some side relationships but nothing major
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-10
Updated: 2020-06-08
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:20:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22654633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bloodycheeze/pseuds/bloodycheeze
Summary: "For the longest time I wanted those petals to fall from my mouth", Jisung whispered.Minho wiped away his tears."It's better that it's not Jisung-ah, I couldn't lose you", Minho sighed softly, hugging Jisung closer.Jisug could stay there forever, but the scratch in his throat grew heavier. He didn't reply to Minho. Instead, he left.OrJisung wanted to believe Hanahaki is real.It's not.//DISCONTINUED
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han/Lee Minho | Lee Know
Comments: 11
Kudos: 42





	1. Can you promise that we won't change?

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone ~
> 
> This is my first fic, don't expect too much haha  
> This is sorta proofread but i make no promises
> 
> Also english isn't my first language so excuse any grammar mistakes :)  
> !I edited the tags btw!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jisung wakes up and Minho comes by.

Sometimes Jisung wished Hanahaki was real.

  
He thought it was romantic, poetic, idyllic. Flowers branching in your lungs for the person you love? Jisung couldn’t imagine a better way of dying.  
It also meant he would have been gone a long time ago.

  
For the longest time, for as long as he can remember at least, Jisung has been in love with Minho. Falling in love with Minho was like second nature. The boy was just so easy to be around. So easy to laugh with. So easy to love.

  
Jisung doesn’t remember when it started. Should he? In love stories there was always this one conclusive moment where person A could determine they liked person B. It wasn’t always that easy in real life, Jisung had discovered.

He remembers the small things though.

he way Minho’s hair bounces the slightest bit when he walks. The way Minho laughs at his own dumb jokes. The way Minho’s eyes light up when he talks about dance.

  
This boy, Jisung had concluded, was special.

  
He looked at himself in the mirror.

  
His brown hair was a mess, the bags under his eyes gave away the fact that he hadn’t slept well for days. His shirt was slightly too big for him and hugged his figure lazily. Jisung didn’t look like anything special.

  
He got pulled out of his train of thought when there was a knock on the door. Jisung ran a hand through his hair quickly, thinking about who would go to his dorm at – wait it was already 10 am, he was late for class.

  
“Hey”, Minho smiled cheekily as the door finally opened.

  
Damn, Minho looked good in the morning.

  
“Want some coffee?”, Jisung called as made his way into the tiny kitchen.

  
“Do I look like I just got up?”, Minho grinned, “Black, please”

  
Jisung swiftly poured the coffee into a mug and set it down on the kitchen counter, when he sneezed in it.

  
Minho started cackling and waving the mug away, signaling that he definitely did not want the coffee anymore.  
Jisung mumbled an almost inaudible sorry before pouring the coffee away.

  
“Come on then, it’s time to go to class”, Minho spoke softly and had started to make his way for the door, but pausing before opening it before promptly turning around.

  
“Jisung…”, he started before cutting himself off.

  
Before Jisung could reply, Minho was out the door and practically sprinting down the hallway, leaving Jisung completely riddled.

  
He didn’t see Minho for the rest of the day. It made sense, they were in different classes anyways. But they always managed to meet up at least once or twice. It almost seemed like Minho was avoiding him.

  
“Chan-ah”, Jisung whined. He didn’t know who else to talk to about this stuff. Chan was simply the smartest person he knew.

  
“Chan-hyung”, he corrected Jisung, but he laughed either way, “What was this about again? I didn’t really follow your rambling”

  
“I haven’t seen Minho all day and I feel he’s avoiding and I know what to do, hyung!”

  
“Jisung-ah, – bless you – I definitely don’t think he’s avoiding you, maybe he’s just busy”

  
Chan was right, he was always the more rational one. But Jisung couldn’t help but feel something was off. Something didn’t feel right, but that might just have been the scratch in his throat.

  
No matter what the reason was, Jisung didn’t see Minho that day.

  
He arrived home. Switched on the light before quickly shutting it off again. The empty dorm just further confirmed the fact that Jisung was, indeed, alone. He threw himself on his bed, hugging his stupid pillow ever so tightly. Jisung missed Minho. The tears that pricked in his eyes proved that fact.

  
On his window he heard a few soft ticks. Looking up Jisung saw the rain drowning out his sight. He did catch a few autumn leaves falling down from the tree outside his building. Autumn was coming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter titles inspired by skz songs :D


	2. I feel like I'm stuck in a sandglass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A week later, Jisung encounters Minho again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I didn't really know how to begin this chapter and it's not really proofread so excuse any errors please haha. If you have any suggestions for the next chapter I'd love to hear them. Maybe I could change to Minho pov for once so things can become a bit clearer?

Jisung was strolling around outside. Chan had forced him to. Apparently sitting around moping in your own dorm wasn’t good for your mental health. He halts his step when he reaches the park. It wasn’t a particular big park; it had a few benches, fields stretching around the paths that lead you further into the shadows of the trees. When Jisung finally looked around a bit, perhaps looking as he if was searching for something,  _ or rather someone _ , he could see a guy standing in the middle of one of the grass fields. Jisung walked closer, starting to recognise the figure. He was looking at the sky intently, as if it was trying to tell him a story, his golden brown hair dancing in the wind.

Minho didn’t notice Jisung until Jisung tapped him on the shoulder. He whirled around, startling Jisung, making him take a few steps back.

Jisung met Minho’s eyes first, but they weren’t as soft and playful like they usually were. They were dark, emotionless even.

“Where.. where have you been?”, Jisung started off hesitantly.

Minho didn’t answer him, instead, he turned away so that Jisung was now facing his back.

“Minho-hyung,  _ please _ where have you been, no one heard anything from you, we have been so worried about you”, Jisung tried again, but this attempt was as hopeless as the first one.

While the younger boy was trying to figure out what else to say, Minho found himself walking away slowly, only to be grabbed by the wrist.

“Dammit  _ Minho, _ it’s been a goddamn week!”, not even bothering to stay quiet anymore, “No one knew where you were, how you were, what you were up to even!”

At last Minho turned around to face the boy. His eyes were sparkling, almost looked glazed as if he was on the edge of crying.

“I was..”, Minho whispered softly, practically inaudible over the wind picking up, ”I was just busy at dance practice, I’m fine.. really”, he continued as he tried to smile.

“You literally sprinted down my hallway.”

A pause.

“And neither Felix nor Hyunjin saw you even once in the dance studio”, Jisung reasoned.

A shake of the head was all Jisung got as an answer, and he had to admit defeat. Jisung knew prying further could only damage their friendship. Minho had always been stubborn, a quality Jisung had learned to mostly love, but in cases like these, he couldn’t help but hate it ever so slightly.

They stood in the middle of the field, in silence, for what felt like an eternity. 

“It’s getting colder, and dark. You should go home.”

And with those words, Minho left behind a speechless Jisung. When Minho finally disappeared out of sight, Jisung realised he had been holding his breath. Releasing it felt liberating, but something was gnawing him on the inside. It just didn’t feel right. Nothing about this felt alright. The unsettling feeling in his gut was what made him head to Chan’s room instead of his own. 

After a few detours, one for a quick bite of street food, another for a quick toilet break in one of the stores, he arrived at Chan’s door. He didn’t knock.

Inside the room, a hushed yelling could be heard. So far, Jisung had only heard Chan’s voice. When Chan ended his lecture, as that was the only thing Jisung could call it, another voice, much softer could be heard. 

The voice sounded sad, broken, out of place. 

It was at this point that Jisung’s feet decided to trip over air, and he smushed his body against the door with a heavy thud. He quickly recovered and made his way down the hall quickly, but he heard Minho’s voice call him over.

Jisung could never resist that voice. Not that honey sweet voice. 

His thoughts were practically screaming in his head.  _ Why was Minho getting yelled at by Chan? Where was Minho this past week? Why had he sprinted away from him? _

No matter how sweet the voice was that called him over, Jisung knew there was only one course of action, which is how he ended up on his best friend’s doorstep. After ringing the doorbell perhaps a bit too aggressively, Felix finally opened the door.

“Ji what are you- shit what happened? You look like you haven’t slept for days”, Jisung hadn’t, “Come in, it’s cold outside and you’re not even wearing a bloody jacket”

Felix dragged Jisung inside and plopped him onto the sofa, hurrying himself into the kitchen to make some hot cocoa, even after Jisung tried to turn him down.

Jisung tried to retell the whole story, but it became a mess and probably chronologically incorrect, leaving Felix confused.

It didn’t matter. Felix wasn’t there to provide a solution. He hugged his best friend tightly for a while, knowing the boy had been in love with Minho for such a long time, until he pulled away ever so slightly.

“Games?”

Jisung nodded and soon the two were engulfed in a competitive Mario kart race. Felix had already won four rounds, Jisung one. But if Jisung prided himself on one thing, it was that he wasn’t a sore loser. Or so he thought.

When Felix won his fifth round, Jisung threw the remote in the corner of the sofa and leaned back, pouting slightly.

The sight made Felix giggle and once again he slung his arms around the other boy. Felix had always been rather clingy.

“Ji, there’s just one thing I don’t really understand”, he started of hesitantly.

“What?”

“Chan never yells right?”

Felix wasn’t wrong. Chan must have been the kindest person either of them knew. If you angered Chan, you knew you’d fucked up.

“So why would he ever have to yell at Minho?”

Jisung wished he knew, he really did. But there were too many questions and too few answers. All the mysteries that surrounded the enigma called Minho were beginning to drain his energy, causing his eyes to flutter shut every so often.

When Felix saw, he immediately dragged Jisung to bed. Before he could complain, Jisung was getting tucked into a bed with the fluffiest blanket he would ever encounter and all his complains got stuck in his throat. Sleep took him over and before he knew it, Jisung was far gone.

Jisung got awoken early in the afternoon by a cough. He laid his head back down on the pillow only to notice it throbbing harshly. The cold hadn’t treated him well, it seemed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from Chronosaurus


	3. I want to sleep comfortably for a brighter tomorrow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jisung wakes up, still at Felix's house, with a fever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys :D
> 
> Thank you so much for the kudos that have been left so far, honestly i'm so grateful since i dont really know what im doing. I hope you also enjoy this chapter, it's not my best work but we're starting to introduce the rest of stray kids now :D

Jisung had always loved the beach. The way the sand feels under his bare feet. The way the waves crash almost melodically on to the beach. Ever since he was small, the beach was Jisung’s safe place. He’d go there in his imagination, trying to get away from the stress that his everyday life brought him.

He could imagine it right now, the cold autumn breeze rushing past him, the seagulls flying over him swiftly. The sea would be grey now, no longer holding its magical blue touch due to the seasons changing. If he tried, Jisung could almost feel the soft sand linger around his feet. 

As it was, however, Jisung was nowhere near the beach. He was in bed. With a high fever. Probably delirious.

It wasn’t his own bed. In a rush he tumbled out of the bed and onto the floor, knocking over a lamp on the nightstand. In blind panic, Jisung looked around and he calmed down when he recognized Felix’s room, who, not even a few seconds later, came rushing in.

When Felix saw the other boy lying helplessly on the ground, he couldn’t contain a small smile creeping onto his face. Luckily Jisung didn’t see.

“Need some help?”

“No I am perfectly comfortable on the cold, hard ground, thank you”, Jisung muttered, but he reached his hands out nonetheless.

Felix shortly picked him up and plopped him back on the bad.

“Pfft, since when did you gain so much weight?”, Felix jokingly asked whilst rubbing his back, pretending to be hurt.

Instead of a reply, he got a pillow flung against his face. When Felix picked up the pillow and turned back to Jisung, he saw the boy mindlessly grinning. He threw the pillow back. Ultimately, this ended in an almost aggressive pillow fight.

“FINE! I admit.. Defeat”, Felix sighed as he got caught between Jisung’s thighs, both boys gasping for air.

At last, Jisung rolled to the side, allowing Felix some space. Jisung opened his mouth to say something, when his phone on the other side of the room started ringing. Felix hurried towards the phone and threw it in Jisung’s direction, muttering something inaudible before leaving the room and closing the door.

When Jisung saw the number id, he realised that Felix had muttered someone’s name. It was Minho. The phone kept on ringing, but Jisung had no intent on answering it. Instead, he shut off the phone and buried himself further in the bed. His head was throbbing loudly and the ringing in his ears  _ or was it still the phone? _ got louder.

Jisung woke up again three hours later. When he walked out of the room, his eyes quickly scanned Felix’s dorm. Neither him, nor his roommate was there. Jisung walked over to the couch and grabbed the remote to turn on the tv, only to find the remote empty. He tossed the remote back where it came from and leaned further into the couch. 

Outside he could see the sun softly shining through a few clouds and it almost looked like the wind had settled down. Jisung had always been impulsive.

That is how, despite him still being sick, Jisung ended outside. He figured some fresh air ought to do him some good. The campus was already empty, except for a few students hurrying towards their lecture. Jisung wasn’t in a hurry. The cold air felt good against his burning skin. As he walked towards the fountain, he felt his head growing heavier again. His plan was just to sit down next to the water. Catch his breath. And then go back home.

He tripped over his own feet before reaching the fountain, and he felt himself falling, reaching out his arms to save his face from some ugly scratches. But Jisung never hit the floor. Instead, he was hovering slightly above it, weight leaning on someone else’s arms. When he looked up, he immediately recognized the face that was staring at him in concern. It was Changbin. 

“Hey, you good? You look a little pale”, his fellow student questioned him.

“Yeah, thanks man, shouldn’t you be in class though?”

“I could ask you the same.. but yes, I was hurrying there when I saw you tripping.”

Jisung sighed as he softly dusted off his pants and straightened his shirt. When he looked up again, his vision went almost entirely black, but Jisung managed to stay balanced. His vision finally came back and Jisung saw Changbin looking at him intently, still a little worried.

“Yeah, t-thanks again”, Jisung stuttered under the man’s gaze.

“No problem”, Changbin waved him off and hurried further across the campus.

Jisung somehow made his way back to his own dorm, but he doesn’t remember much of the walk. When he opened the door he felt the exhaustion crash on his shoulders and he gladly let himself fall on his own familiar bed. He tried to fall asleep, but a reoccurring cough kept him awake. The cough reminded Jisung of hanahaki disease and for a moment he got scared he had it, but that wasn’t possible. Hanahaki was only fictional.

He rushed to the toilet and kept in coughing in it. The ringing in his ears got louder and Jisung felt himself panicking. No.  _ No.  _ This wasn’t real, it couldn’t be.

After half an hour, his coughing stopped. For a second, Jisung didn’t dare look down the toilet. When he did, he felt the blood in his own face flush away.

There weren’t any petals. The toilet was covered in blood though.

Maybe it was the shock, maybe it was his fever running high, maybe it was the blood loss. Jisung didn’t know.

The only thing he remembers is his vision going black and the feeling of his body collapsing on the cold bathroom floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from "insomnia"


	4. Even dark shadows only exist with light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chan is there when Jisung wakes up in the hospital, but soon leaves him to be with someone else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it turns out i have no life and i can just write whenever i want, it will get less the next few weeks because I am going to the us :D anyways I'll be sure that after those weeks im back to updating almost daily apparently.  
> it's a 'long' chapter this time, at least longer than what i usually write, and i hope it's decent haha :)

Waking up to a bright light hurts the eyes. Waking up in a hospital room spreads panic. Luckily, when Jisung did wake up, he wasn’t alone. When Chan noticed he woke up, he pulled him into a tight hug.

“I’m so glad you’re okay”, he whispered quietly in Jisung’s ear, “Can you recall what happened?”

Jisung at that point didn’t.

“Hyung.. Why am I here?”

“Felix found you on your bathroom floor, passed out”, Chan told him, looking a bit startled, “You don’t remember?”

Now that Jisung was thinking clearly, no longer affected by any drowsiness, he could remember bits and pieces. Coughing a lot and then landing on the floor with a thud.

“Yeah, yeah I guess I do remember”, Jisung spoke softly, more to himself than to Chan.

When Chan had gone to talk with the nurse just outside his room, Jisung finally noticed the flower bouquet sitting on the small table next to his bed. The pink flowers, camellias to be exact, were Jisung’s favourite. The colours were so vibrant compared to the completely white room he had woken up in, and he couldn’t help but smile at the thought of who brought them there.

Though the nurse and Chan were whispering, Jisung could catch a few words. Medication, surgery, excessive alcohol or drug use, _cancer?_

He had heard enough, and Jisung turned around as if that would help blocking out the quiet murmurs. Not even a minute later Chan and the nurse came back into the room.

“Hi, my name is Seungmin, I’ll be taking care of you for the next few days of your recovery”, the nurse announced in a soft, soothing voice.

“Should you have questions, be hungry or have an emergency, just press the red button on your right”, Seungmin continued as Jisung didn’t reply, “I’ll be there within a few minutes when you do.”

“Thank you”, Chan answered for him, and soon ~~the nurse~~ Seungmin, was gone again. Now silence lay as a blanket over them in the room. Chan seemed busy with his phone and Jisung stared outside his window. The weather hadn’t improved much, the wind played around with the leaves, letting them float to the ground before lifting them up a few feet into the sky.

The silence was broken with his own coughing, and Chan’s head shot up immediately in worry.

“Are you okay? Do I need to get the nurse?”

Jisung hesitated but shook his head nonetheless.

In a raspy voice he answered, “No, just-just some water would be great.”

Chan hurried down the hall and came back with a cup filled to the edge with water. He set it down on the small table before sitting down again.

Jisung downed the water in one go, the cold water feeling great in his mouth and throat.

“I have to leave for work soon, but you won’t be alone”, Chan mentioned, it sounded like a promise. Jisung didn’t feel like being alone and he was pretty sure Chan was aware of that.

Chan grabbed his bag and went to Jisung to ruffle his hair a bit, ready to leave when Minho entered the room. Chan immediately shot him a glare. The tension would be noticeable to even an outsider, and Minho shifted uncomfortably in front of the door opening, only relaxing when Chan slid past him and left the two of them alone.

Minho’s head was held low, eyes shooting around the room and only once landing on Jisung, before he moved to sit down right next to the bed Jisung was occupying.

He shakily placed his hands on Jisung, and though they were a little sweaty, Jisung didn’t pull away. And despite the gesture soothing Jisung’s heartbeat, he still was worried. Minho’s other hand was clenched so tightly his knuckles turned white, his jaw looked so tense it must have ached and his brows were furrowed in a way that Jisung had never seen before on the usually carefree boy. He didn’t understand why Minho was behaving this way.

“I hope you like the, uh, the flowers”, Minho began, weakly nodding to the flowers on the small table.

Jisung nodded slowly, but he couldn’t help but hear how Minho’s voice sounded uneven and Jisung’s heart began to twist and turn and-

He had to talk about it. He had to ask.

“What happened?”, Jisung asked, “I don’t get it, we- we didn’t fight, there was no discussion, I don’t- I don’t remember doing anything wrong”, he realised his voice sounded more broken than it should have.

Minho lowered his head even further but Jisung cupped his face and forced him to look him in the eye. Minho gasped when he felt Jisung hands touch him but even the sharp release of breath contained a shakiness that Jisung simply couldn’t place. His eyes were damp, containing a galaxy of unknown secrets and unspoken emotions, a few dark circles beneath them.

“ _Please,_ Minho-hyung, I’m begging you.”

“Not now Jisung, not here. We will talk when you’ve recovered.”

In an attempt to get away, Minho stood up, but Jisung wasn’t about to let him go. Not now, perhaps not ever. He grabbed Minho by the wrist and pulled him back with whatever strength he had left. Minho stumbled onto him, eyes wide with shock and a confused expression spread across his face. He scrambled up, but didn’t try to leave the bed again.

Minho however, made no effort in being the first to talk, so Jisung started.

“Last time I saw you..”, he paused for a second, not sure if he wanted to know, “you were getting yelled at by Chan”

Jisung looked at Minho for confirmation and when their eyes met, Minho nodded shortly.

“Just now, Chan looked as if he was going to kill you”

“Jisung, get to the point”, Minho answered in a sharp tone and Jisung felt himself shrink. Minho noticed and tried to smile reassuringly as he shifted his body to completely face Jisung again, encouraging his friend to continue speaking.

“W-why would he need to yell at you? He never yells, like _never_. Even when I ‘accidentally’ broke his phone after losing another gaming match to Felix he didn’t even yell or when-“

His rambling got cut off by Minho placing a finger gently on his lips. His eyes were clearly filled with tears and despite his effort of trying to keep them in, a few spilled out.

“Something happened, Jisung-ah”, he sighed, trying to retain his composure but his shoulders slumped and suddenly the tears were running over his cheeks, as if in a hurry to leave, trapped for too long. Jisung quickly pulled him close, a tight embrace as he felt Minho’s body shocking and muttering apologies over and over again. The sudden outburst made Jisung’s heart heavy. He tried to speak but as soon as he opened his own mouth, he felt a rush of sadness overtake his own eyes.

When the first tears dropped on Minho’s head, he jerked back up, cupping Jisung’s face. His thumb wiped away some of the tears as he closely watched Jisung. His entire face stood worried.

“Hyung is sorry, I didn’t”, his breath halted for a bit, “I didn’t mean to make you sad Jisungie.”

Jisung’s entire body was shaking and he leaned closer into Minho’s touch, his head finally resting on his chest. He listened to Minho’s heartbeat, which was racing and uneven.

“I just-“, Jisung tried again, “I just want to know what happened, hyung”

“When you’re recovered Jisung. I can’t talk to you about this when you’re like this”, Minho argued back, but this time there was no bite in his words.

“I’m not sure I want to recover Minho-ah.”

As soon as the words had left Jisung’s lips, he regretted them. He felt as Minho slowly pulled out of the hug, creating a distance between them so Minho could clearly see Jisung, it was a distance Jisung didn’t like. He didn’t like being distant with Minho. He wanted to crawl into his arms and stay there for eternity, but that wasn’t an option. Minho was just a friend, a close friend, but just a friend. He bit back his own tears as he looked back at his friend. Minho looked at him with panic, maybe even regret.

“Why wouldn’t you want to recover?”, he asked in a small voice

Jisung wanted to take the words back, deny them, laugh his way out of saying them, but it was too late. They were out there now and there was nothing he could do about that.

“Sometimes I can’t imagine myself grow older than 25”, Jisung paused, looking for both words, his courage and his breath.

“Sometimes I am so sick of all the voices in my head, so sick of what they’re telling me.”

He didn’t dare look at Minho as he kept on talking.

“Sometimes I am just so sick of living.”

Minho stroke Jisung’s back gently, while trying to helplessly dry the tears spilling from the eyes of his dear friend; it had no use. Jisung noticed Minho’s sweater turning soaked because of the tears it had to absorb, so he gently pushed the hand away from his face.

“I know what that feels like”, Minho admitted, repositioning his hands around Jisung’s waist.

Jisung tilted his head slightly in confusion.

But before Minho could continue, they got interrupted. The nurse, Seungmin, came back in to the room, reading something on his papers attentively.

“Han-ssi, visiting hours are almost over and we have to get you connected to the drip for-“, he quit talking when he looked up from his board and spotted the two boys entangled in each other’s arms, eyes glazed and red.

“I’ll.. come back in a few minutes”, he spoke hesitantly.

“No”, Minho interjected, whilst getting up, “I’ll be leaving now. I’ll come back tomorrow Jisungie, sleep tight.”

And before Jisung could protest, Minho was gone again.

He didn’t speak with Seungmin a whole lot. When he was finally attached to the drip, for extra hydrative fluids, as Seungmin had called it, the nurse finally did say something.

“That other boy.. is that your boyfriend?”

Jisung looked up in surprise.

“If he is, I’m fine with that”, Seungmin declared quickly, “Love is love.. isn’t it?”, and he shot Jisung a small smile.

“No, he isn’t my boyfriend”, Jisung whispered a bit sadly.

“Ah, okay, I’ll leave you to it now. If something doesn’t feel right, don’t hesitate to press the button.”

Jisung laid back on his bed. There was nothing to do now, except sleep. Outside, the wind howled softly and it almost sounded like music to his ears. He always did sleep with soft music playing and he tried to recognise a melody in the wind’s howling. Jisung never could sleep well in a new environment, and he didn’t think the hospital would be an exception.

He tilted his head to the side and saw the camellias on the nightstand. For a second it made him blush, but then he remembered Minho was just his friend. Friends do nice things for each other. Friends are there for each other.

 _Friends_ , he huffed to himself.

The world was a cruel place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from 'mixtape 2'


	5. I hold out my hand but no one is there to grab it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jisung is out of the hospital but he isn't feeling too well. Hyunjin and Woojin are here now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So i'm back again from the US and that means I'm going to upload again!  
> Slight trigger warning for this chapter and it's longer than what i usually write so im sorry if its boring :(
> 
> Also it is beta read, but by me so there might still be some mistakes left.
> 
> Enjoy though!

It had been a few weeks since Jisung got released from the hospital. His sickness was under control, even almost gone. To Jisung, it just felt like a cold at this point. No surgery was ever needed, all he got was a small dosis of medicins to keep taking for a month, but after that, he should be fine.

His friends didn’t really want to leave his side anymore, unless he specifically told them to. They were constantly asking if he was okay. They eyed him suspiciously when he coughed. Though Jisung loves attention, he didn’t love this probation, but he wasn’t about to bring it up. It was a sensitive topic at the moment. It didn’t help that what had happened caused some tension between everyone. People seemed mad, but Jisung never got to hear why they were. 

This week was one of the times Jisung had managed to shake all of his friends, physically at least. He had been at home for two days now and he wasn’t planning on going anywhere yet. He wanted to figure something out before going back to his friends, his family.

Ever since he got released, Jisung didn’t feel quite right. His heartfelt heavy and he knew why that was. Well at least he had a suspicion.

__

_Friends._

He just couldn’t shake it. The nurse thought they were boyfriends, had more people thought this when they saw the two of them together? Were they really that close? Did it make Minho uncomfortable? Was that why Minho had been avoiding him?

It caused him to slip into a darkness he didn’t know how to get out of. Most calls he got, he discarded. Except for Chan’s, because if Jisung didn’t answer his, he would come by his dorm. Jisung wasn’t ready for social contact, he wanted to stay in and stay quiet forever. In his room, in his darkness.

Well, to be fair he didn’t want to lay in the darkness but at that point, he had no energy left to do anything but that. 

__

_Friends._

The word itself was haunting. He got up and he thought of it, he brushed his teeth and he thought of it, he ate something and he thought of it.

Distracting himself no longer helped, his thoughts were not leaving him alone either way, so he just sat like a sack of a breathing nothingness on the couch. Sometimes on his bed, but never outside, never in the sun. Jisung had closed his curtains a long time ago.

There was a loud knock on the door.

“Jisung?”

__

_Friends._

“Jisung please open!”

__

_Just friends._

“Jisung!”

He slumped his way to the door, and by the time his hand folded around the handle and opened the door, he found the hall empty. Had he imagined someone knocking? Jisung closed the door again and checked his phone, seeing a few messages from Felix, one from Jeongin, this kid in his class, about an assignment, and just about a hundred from Chan, asking him where he was. So Chan had been to his room.

But Jisung couldn’t be bothered to reply. He sat back down on the couch, frustrated. He let out a frustrated yell, and punched his pillow. Again and again until he buried his face in it, shoulders shocking. But he sat back up again, straightened his back and he walked to his closet. Perhaps it was time to get out for a bit, he craved some fresh air suddenly.

Jisung threw on a new pair of sweatpants, a new hoodie. He checked the time on his phone, a little after midnight, before putting it down on the counter and leaving the room.

It was cold out, much colder than he had expected it to be and he felt his body shivering with every step he took. First, he walked through the park and he saw the small field where he met Minho after disappearing for a while. He walked past a restaurant. In it sat a group of friends, all of them were laughing and chatting, lively living their teenage years. Jisung smiled as their faces lit up, but as he kept on walking, he felt his own smile falter.

There was no soul to be found on the streets at this hour anymore. He didn’t have to watch out for anyone as he made his way downtown, crossing a few cross-roads that contained no cars anymore, bridges that contained no people anymore. 

He noticed he had been approaching Felix’s dorm, but he kept walking by. Soon Chan’s building would appear if he continued down this road, so he quickly turned right. Which is how Jisung ended up in a part of town he wasn’t particularly familiar with. There was a small café on one of the street corners he thought to recognise and without even a second thought, he entered it.

The café was small, the lights were dim and the only person in it, was the bartender. He was greeted with a warm smile and a soft hey, accompanied by what he wanted to have on this lovely evening.

Hesitantly Jisung ordered a beer, though he knew it was not a good idea to drink alone.

“What are you doing out, alone?”

Jisung didn’t know, so he just shrugged his shoulders.

The bartender just nodded, and placed the beer in front of him.

“Man I gotta say, you don’t so look good.”

Though it was rude, Jisung avoided the statement by making another one.

“It’s quiet here”, a pause before following up, “Woojin-hyung.”

“I’ll close if you need me to, we can always talk for a bit, you’ve been quite the stranger lately.”

“Maybe I can help close up then.”

And so Jisung helped close up. He cleaned the floor, moved a few chairs and though it was a struggle, he also moved a table to stand in front of the front door. 

Woojin did most of the work behind the bar, but Jisung couldn’t really see exactly what he was doing. Just when he was about to ask, Woojin invited him to sit down at one of the smaller tables, which was dressed with two beer bottles.

“Never drink alone”, Woojin laughed. 

Jisung couldn’t laugh, he wanted to, and so he did. It sounded fake and if Woojin noticed, he didn’t say anything. 

“Can I call Chan to let him know you’re here?”

“Please God no, he has been driving me nuts. He’s behaving like my mom.”

“He’s worried about you and I think he has a good reason to.”

“Just tell him I was here when I’m leaving.”

“Where are you going?”

Jisung didn’t know where he would be going next.

“Outside.”

Woojin snorted, but not in the way that indicated he found Jisung’s ‘joke’ funny. 

But before Woojin could even begin to think of a topic to speak of, Jisung stood up again.

“I’ll be on my way now, hyung, thanks for the beers and all that.”

And he was on his way. He felt kind of wobbly, probably the drinks, but at least his head didn’t hurt anymore. It didn’t scream at him anymore. The word that had been haunting him wasn’t being repeated anymore.

Without thinking, he ended up walking towards a bridge. Not a bridge that stood over water. No, it was the kind that stood over another road, a highway and it was busy. Jisung leaned against one of the street lanterns as he looked at the cars racing by. Their lights first getting bigger before shrinking again. The lantern illuminated a small part of the street and for a moment he thought he saw something walking on the ground, before he realising it was his own shadow.

When suddenly

__

_Friends._

His mind became clearer. For the 100th time that day he felt worthless, he felt pain and at the same time, he felt nothing at all.

__

_Minho doesn’t love you._

__

_Why would he love a piece of shit like yourself?_

Perhaps Jisung knew better.

Maybe he didn’t want this at all.

But whether he wanted this or not, he found himself standing at a ledge, directly under him he still saw a few cars racing by. It wouldn’t be long before he would fall down, his balance was way off.

He leaned forward a bit, then back, waiting for gravity to take him away. Gravity took him another way. He fell backwards, hitting his head harshly on the curb, but it woke him up enough to scramble up and run back to the neighbourhood he was familiar with.

Chan’s building was approaching but he wasn’t interested in a lecture. On his left side he saw a small park, on his right, he saw the building he walked in more times than his own.

He knocked on the dorm’s room and as soon as Felix opened the door, he fell into his arms. The hug was quiet, when Jisung heard a yell coming from inside of the dorm, which was when Felix invited him in. In the living room sat a friend of Felix’s, Hyunjin. He didn’t look too happy at the intrusion Jisung caused.

“Sorry am I interrupting?”

“No no, come in, it’s just game night. You don’t mind right, Hyunjin?”

“Of course not”, the tall guy answered, before focusing on the screen again, “let’s continue now.”

Hyunjin and Jisung weren’t exactly friends, nor were they enemies. It was that special place in the middle. But because Felix was there, they acted extra friendly towards each other, though sometimes Jisung could feel Hyunjin being fake and it almost caused his blood to boil. It was obvious Hyunjin wasn’t going anywhere though, so Jisung played nice too. He could do that for one night, for Felix.

Right?

Wrong.

When Hyunjin won yet another round of Mario Kart and did not stop bragging about it with that smug smile on his face, Jisung kind of lost it.

“You’re obviously cheating!”

“You’re just annoyed because you suck at everything you do!”, Hyunjin bit back.

Felix stood helplessly in the middle. 

“You just have to screw up everything, don’t you Jisung? Is there anything you can do without ruining other people’s lives?!”

“You just always need all the attention don’t you Hyunjin? Well guess what?!”

Jisung paused, for dramatic effect. But he would never be as dramatic as Hyunjin.

“What?!”, Hyunjin yelled back.

“No one actually gives a shit about you! Everyone would love it if you just finally dialed it down!”

At this point, neither Jisung nor Hyunjin knew what they were fighting about, but Jisung was just so upset. So mad at the world. So caught up in his own problems that he didn’t notice Felix standing there, trying to get the both of them to settle down.

Felix stopped trying, sunk to the floor and started sobbing in his own arms. Hyunjin noticed first and squatted down to level Felix’s height. He put an arm around his friend while giving Jisung a nasty look. 

“Sorry Felix”, Jisung mumbled before leaving the room. It was only 5 am, he had nowhere to go, but he went regardless. Staying in would only cause more friction.

Jisung had trouble understanding two things. 

One; why Hyunjin was such an unbelievable dick,

And two; why people liked him.

They had mutual friends, Felix, Chan and even Minho, but for some reason, Hyunjin couldn’t bear being in the same room with Jisung without giving him _that_ look or saying something negative about him.

__

_Friends_ .

He found himself on a bench. A park bench, it was kind of gross, but it was the only place to really sit at. A flood of thoughts came rushing back to him and suddenly he remembered one particular thought that had occurred to him a few weeks before being hospitalised. 

__

_If hanahaki had been real, at least I wouldn’t be suffering right now._

A few leaves were passing him, dancing along with a melody the wind gave them. _They were dying_ , Jisung thought. The tears on his cheek had hardened and he felt how cold it was outside. He thought of Minho and that beautiful face he hadn’t seen in so long. His soft brown hair. The way his long eyelashes would flutter shut and open when he was tired. The way his eyes lit up whenever he talked about dancing, or cats, or cooking or anything he was passionate about. The way he talked and the way his lips moved when he did. The thought of Minho made him warm for a bit before a leaf hit him right in the face.

It had a brown colour and felt hard, crispy. The leaf’s life was almost over. Jisung crushed it in his hand and for a moment, he felt a sense of control.

But more leaves were falling and he couldn’t possibly control all of their deaths. He was in control, but powerless. 

So his conclusion was that he wasn’t actually in control. The leaves were dying anyways and he knew what that meant.

That meant winter was approaching.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from "hellevator"


	6. Hold my hand (or don't)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's winter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello people :D
> 
> Yes indeed i did just disappear for a couple of months but I am back with a super short chapter especially prepared for you ! this is kinda unbeta-ed so please forgive me, but I kind of just want this fic to be over so I can start something new with a better writing style 
> 
> hope you enjoy all 800 words of this ^^

Remember that feeling when you were a kid and you’d set the first footprints in a fresh pack of snow? It always felt so satisfying, the noise that would escape from under your shoe would make your heart flutter. It was because of that feeling, that Jisung used to love winter. He didn’t love it that much anymore.

  
In fact, with every day that grew colder, Jisung felt more and more dreadful. The last whim of fresh air he had gotten must have been yesterday evening when the wind caused his room to fly open. He didn’t want to look at the snow, he didn’t want to be lured in by the snow. He didn’t want to ruin the perfect patches that lay right outside his door.

  
Alas, what we want is often not what the universe gives us and so, Jisung finds himself standing underneath a tree, a scarf wrapped around his neck, a beanie hugging his head warmly. He exhales softly and a small cloud of vapor appears. It’s kind of funny to him. He exhales again, and again.

  
He’s startled by a twig breaking behind him. He turns around to see a shadowy figure and really he shouldn’t be recognizing the figure in front of him when it’s dark, but he does, because it’s oh so familiar.

  
Before he can think twice, he leaps into the arms of the man in front of him and he feels a pair of hands steadying him around his hips. Neither speak.

  
Neither even speak as they start walking around, and the silence that was usually so familiar and friendly now felt suffocating.

  
A soft cold breeze lightly touches his cheek and instinctively Jisung grabs the other’s hand, searching for warmth and intertwines their fingers.

  
They stop at the river. The water in it flows slowly and peacefully and Jisung thanks the God’s that he can finally think and muster up the courage to ask-

  
“I guess you don’t really know where I’ve been, huh”, Jisung’s train of thought gets brutally interrupted. Jisung turns to look at him and nods slowly, encouraging him to continue.

  
“I’ve been ill, nothing too dangerous, but I had to be admitted for a while”, he pauses, as if to gather his thoughts, “Chan was mad at me because I didn’t tell him, or any of you for that matter. I guess I’m sorry I didn’t speak to you because of it, it really wasn’t cool of me to just leave all of you in the dark..”, his voice faltered.

  
Jisung thinks about it, and it makes sense. He had been looking tired and kind of pale, but he’d blamed it on his dance practice, and of course, he hadn’t wanted to talk about it when Jisung himself was in the hospital. He searches the other’s eyes, they were full of an emotion that Jisung just couldn’t pinpoint, but they were beautiful regardless. He lifts his hand and softly caresses the man’s cheeks. Jisung can feel a cough coming up but he tries to swallow it away regardless.

  
“What was it?”

  
The man didn’t seem to comprehend his question, so Jisung clarified.

  
“What was the illness?”

“Hanahaki.”

  
For a moment, Jisung’s world stops. He blinks once, twice, another time but the seconds didn’tseem to be passing. The man reaches out and lifts Jisung’s chin, effectively closing his mouth.  
Jisung mutters something incoherent.

  
“What did you say, Jisungie?”, his tone is soft and gentle and it struck Jisung deep in his heart.

  
“Hanahaki.. if you got surgery for that, that means you removed your flowers”, Jisung pauses, afraid of the answer that’s about to come, “Right?”

  
A broken tone falls off of the man’s lips, Jisung could almost recognise it as a laugh.

  
“Yeah, yeah you’re right about that.”

  
With the answer he got, Jisung isn’t satisfied. He needs to know more and he tries to ask but his mind simply can’t form more than two corresponding words.

  
“What- how- for whom?”

  
When their eyes meet, Jisung can see the sadness pooling in them. His eyes must be watery, Jisung thinks, because he can see small lights bouncing off of them. They didn’t look like the eyes Jisung fell in love with in the first place, because they once contained only warmth and eye smiles and now all their positivity was gone. The man before him had changed, in more ways than Jisung could imagine.  
He doesn’t answer his questions.

  
He does, instead, cup Jisung face with both hands, Jisung’s eyes flutter shut as an automatic response and he can feel a pair of lips pressing a feather-light kiss to his forehead, before mumbling a goodbye that wouldn’t have been heard if they weren’t standing so close.

  
When he opens his eyes, he can see the figure fading away into the darkness.

  
Jisung doesn’t think when he yells after him.

  
“Minho, wait!”

  
But his attempt was in vain. Minho had already left him.


End file.
